Welcome to the 71st Annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards! The Golden Globes are my favorite award show because everyone is encouraged to get white-girl wasted, and because most of the talent can’t even bother acting like they’re present for anything other than the booze anyway. This year’s Golden Globes went pretty swimmingly, and I’d like to think it’s because the chronically hilarious Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were at the helm, and those ladies know how to deliver. Also, probably because “Girls” didn’t win anything (yay!). And yet, there was still a good amount of tomfoolery about. Join with me, hand in hand if you’re cool with taking it to the next level, as we discuss the best and the worst in last night’s chicanery.
1. Tina and Amy’s Monologue
This year’s monologue was a right delight — although maybe not quite as delightful as last year. That “Gravity” joke — the one that said the film was about how George Clooney would rather float in space and die than spend another minute with a woman his own age — fucking killed. Also notable? “If i wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I would have gone to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.” You and me both, sister. You and me both. Also, I saw Jonah Hill at a bar in LES once, and he was legitimately the creepiest creeper I have ever seen. It was all in the rapey smile, I guess.
2. Jennifer Lawrence’s ‘Little Mermaid’ Chic Dress
Remember when Ariel got legs, scrambled up to the beach, then fashioned a dress out of a sail and some rope to impress Prince Eric and his dog Max? That’s actually what Jennifer Lawrence was wearing last night. I love Jennifer Lawrence, and I super love this dress in an it’s actually hideous kind of way, but Dior — who has a contractual obligation to dress her in the finest silks — legitimately hates her and it’s rude.
3. Amy Poehler Wins, Tina Fey Burns Taylor Swift Real Good
Amy Poehler finally won something for “Parks and Rec,” which is so well deserved that my heart swelled to the size of a normal person’s heart (then it shrunk again, because I’m a modern-day Grinch). Later, Fey congratulated Poehler for her big win, sneaking in that there is a special place in hell for Poehler — just a little something Taylor Swift said last year when Fey and Poehler made a joke at the 2013 Golden Globes, because Swifty can’t take a joke and my goodness let’s stop talking about her already. We’re giving her all the power!
4. Jared Leto Wins an Award, Possibly For Best Man Bun Styling
You’ll always be Jordan Catalano to me, even if you are a 42-year-old hipster.
5. Everything Emma Thompson Ever Does
Including walking on stage with a martini, not giving any fucks at all, and tossing her Louboutins upstage. Those red soles, by the way? “It’s my blood.”
Honorable mentions, in no particular order: Julia Louis-Dreyfus smoking e-cigs and rebuffing a selfie request from Reese Witherspoon (oh, it’s as good as it sounds, trust me); all the side eye that Jessica Lange gave; Cate Blanchett’s amazing and very charming speech, wherein she mentioned Judy Garland and barbiturates, taking her kids to Magic Castle, and most importantly admitting that she had a few vodkas under her belt; “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” and Andy Samberg taking home some surprising wins; and again, how drunk everyone was, which was pretty drunk.
1. Not Enough Tina and Amy!
I was expecting more shenanigans, although Amy Poehler as Tina Fey’s illegitimate 20-year-old son (fathered by Harvey Weinstein, or Idris Elba, complete with bountiful 2008-era Justin Bieber hair) was a nice touch.
2. O Fassy, Fassy! Wherefore Art Thou Fassy?
I was on Michael Fassbender watch, and only caught, like, three glimpses of him, and one was the back of his head. This is not appropriate for an award show, and I should never be made to suffer this way. This isn’t a game to me. This ain’t Where’s Waldo, son.
3. Paula Patton’s Labia Dress
It may have been adorned with the finest winter white labias from the land, but nobody should ever put labias or any organ that is labia adjacent on their dresses. Do that in your private time, Patton.
4. Jacqueline Bisset’s Everything
Sorry, I don’t know who you are, “Jacqueline,” so if you don’t mind NOT taking 10 minutes to get to the stage, then taking all of your time on stage to say nothing, then rambling incoherently for a bit, that would be great. Also, I know there are bottles of Moët everywhere, but you shouldn’t be so shitfaced so early in the program, madam. And also, Monica Potter should have won instead, because she upped the cry factor on “Parenthood” by 300% last season, and if you watch “Parenthood,” you know that means full-on body-racking sobs every minute, every episode.
5. Woody Allen Doesn’t Do Award Shows
Because he doesn’t give a damn about receiving the Cecil B. De-Someone award. So instead, he sent his ex-girlfriend Diane Keaton to ramble and awkwardly sing a Girl Scout tune in his place. It was all worth it for the subsequent shade Mia Farrow threw, though.
Honorable mentions, in no particular order: Seriously, I know I said not enough Tina and Amy, but it was a crime, and someone needs to be punished immediately; I don’t like that Puffy/P.Diddy/Poppa Diddy Pop is now going by Sean Combs. Can we just make a decision and stick to it, sir?; Whatever Zoe Saldana was wearing.
All in all, a pretty standard year for the Globes. A delightful little romp, if you will, but nothing earth shattering.
Oh, except for when Amy Poehler fake made out with Bono. But we’d consider that a low, yes?