GET THAT PARTY ON THE CALENDAR IN WRITING
I don’t go to a lot of parties, but when I do, I write them down on the calendar! That way I definitely won’t forget AND they will remain for posterity…just in case. Brett Kavanaugh, supreme court nominee/man accused of sexual assault, says he still has calendars from high school that don’t say a thing about the party where he allegedly assaulted Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. He is going to present forty-year old calendars to the Senate to prove that he wasn’t at that party. How could he have been? He hadn’t written it down! I know that might sound absolutely insane, BUT here are all the things that I didn’t do in high school either! I never wrote them down so, obviously, they never happened! So if it’s not in writing, it never ever happened!
Read More: This is How to Behave When You Meet Your Celebrity Idol
1. My first day of high school I DID NOT throw up in the downstairs bathroom out of anxiety and pure fear.
2. I also DID NOT skip school to go to Taco Bell and ride around in my friend’s car.
3. Another thing that NEVER HAPPENED was the time I went to my friend’s house and smoked weed for the first time. That one especially, never happened.
John McCain Died and Everyone Should Be Sad
4. There was also this other thing that NEVER took place, which was the time I lost my virginity in my boyfriend’s college dorm. That’s not on the calendar so it absolutely never happened.
5. And then there was the time where I DID NOT GO to a Harry Potter-themed party where everyone was in costume and there was actual Butter Beer.
But, as you can see, NONE OF THAT EVER HAPPENED! Because my paper calendars I still have do not have any of these things in writing. And whatever those calendars say is definitely what happened. Because if you don’t write down everything you do, then do you even exist?