GOOD CHRISTIANS TO BE SUCKED UP INTO HEAVEN, EVERYONE ELSE PRETTY MUCH SCREWED
It’s hard to keep track of how often the world is ending. It happens so much that perhaps we should all just give up about knowing ahead of time, especially as the end is only ever near. Some are claiming that the Rapture is set to begin this Saturday, when special Christians will get reverse funneled in to heaven as the rest of everyone else and the Earth itself begins a “tribulation” period.
END OF WORLD INFOMERCIALS THOUGHTFULLY MADE, BUT NOT ACTUAL GUIDES TO SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL
But be thee not to afraid. Well, be afraid, but only because you’ll know that the newer crop of Rapturists are making sure to refine their skills with online media to make sure we have infographics and warning videos. Yes, Rapturists are going that extra mile to make apocalyptic infomercials. Several videos are floating around in virtual purgatory, but one n particular featuring a space queen giving birth in front of a 7-headed moon lizard.
PREDICTION MADE CONNECTING VERSE WITH RECENT ECLIPSE
But don’t stock up on Jim Bakker’s doomsday food buckets just yet. The entire basis for the prediction is bunk. The September rapture date came from a Christian researcher named David Meade who calculated it would occur 33 days after last month’s eclipse, The Washington Post reported. “Jesus lived for 33 years. The name Elohim, which is the name of God to the Jews, was mentioned 33 times [in the Bible],” Meade told the newspaper. “It’s a very biblically significant, numerologically significant number. I’m talking astronomy. I’m talking the Bible … and merging the two.”
PLANET NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES IN TO DO AN EARTH DRIVE BY
Meade believes global catastrophes will be caused by a secret planet called Nibiru passing the Earth on Saturday. The world won’t end, “but the world as we know it is ending,” he told the Post. NASA ― and just about every astronomer ― said Nibiru doesn’t exist. “Nibiru and other stories about wayward planets are an Internet hoax,” the space agency said on its website a few years ago when similar doomsday predictions went viral. “There is no factual basis for these claims.”
SERIOUS MEDIA COMMENT THAT ORGANIZED KOOKS IN MAJOR RELIGIONS SAY IT’S NOT REAL, SO DON’T BE GRABBING NO POISON PUDDING
Even fellow Christians are calling out Meade and others over the latest doomsday predictions. “Meade’s views are not endorsed by Roman Catholic, Protestant or eastern Orthodox branches of Christianity,” Fox News reported. “Meade is a made-up leader in a made-up field, and should not be on the front page of anything, let alone Fox News,” Ed Stetzer of Christianity Today wrote.
While the writers of the Bible have used numbers at times, Stetzer said there were no “secret numerical codes that require a profession called ‘Christian numerology.’”
In other words, go ahead and make plans for Sunday.