OK, so the Miss Universe Pageant is apparently still a thing.
So some of my more rowdy, drinky (and thus more fun) gay friends came over Sunday night to hate-watch the pageant with me. If you are unfamiliar with the idea of hate-watching something, it’s basically just tuning into a show to make fun of it. It’s how most people watch “Downton Abbey,” I think.
We had several bottles of wine, the screw-cap kind, and settled in for a long winter’s night of mocking national costumes and making fun of other people’s heritages.
This Miss Universe Pageant (misnomer: all girls are from Earth) aired on Sunday night on NBC. Because, I guess, they just couldn’t find movie to show?
Here’s our play-by-play:
8:00 p.m. — First magnum of wine opened. Thomas “Even This Is Too Gay For Me” Roberts and Natalie “I’m Going to Kill My Agent For This” Morales open up the pageant.
8:10 p.m. — My friend Sean: “So is that Malala girl in this?”
8:15 p.m. — My friend Jonathan: “Is this filmed at the Marriott Marquis in Fort Lauderdale?”
8:23 p.m. — The dresses are just getting bigger.
8:30 p.m. — Second magnum of malbec opened. My friend Beaumont insists that “it’s not merlot, at least.”
8:32 p.m. — “South America is not fucking around.” Miss Argentina:
8:40 p.m. — “Canada. No.”
8:42 p.m. — Beaumont: “This thing is just a tour of Epcot.”
8:45 p.m. — Sean: “There should be more men in this!” Beaumont: “More men? In the MISS Universe Pageant?”
8:50 p.m. — This has to be the Super Bowl for Colombians.
8:45 p.m. — Albania is clearly phoning it in.
8:50 p.m. — “If you ask me, they’re all winners, blah blah blah …” Narrowed down to five countries. Question time for contestants. More wine poured.
9:00 p.m. — Five finalists announced. Rest of the countries forced to still stand on stage, cover seething rage and jealousy with thin smile and unenthusiastic clapping.
9:20 p.m. — Somebody named Prince Royce performs singing with the gusto of someone who happened to be vacation at the same resort and pulled on stage seconds before.
9:45 p.m. — It seems we will have to wait a few minutes longer to see who will be cutting the ribbon at the new Coral Gables Blimpie’s.
9:55 p.m. — This whole thing is both antiquated and offensive.
10:00 p.m. — We leave to get chocolate ice cream from the 7-Eleven.
10:20 p.m. — Question time for contestants. More wine poured.
10:30 p.m. — Malbec and chocolate ice cream would be my answer for world peace.
10:34 p.m. — Miss North Korea not in the Top 5. Misses chance to spring entire family from a labor camp.
10:35 p.m. — “Celebrity” judges introduced. Jonathan: “Who are these people?!” Sean: “I think she was an extra on the ‘Gilmore Girls.'”
10:40 p.m. — Contestant Questions. All the buzzwords are thrown around. Children. Underprivileged. Cancer all make an appearance.
10:45 p.m. — Favorite question:
Judge: “What is the biggest change you could make … yada yada.”
Miss Netherlands: “I am an ambassador of child prostitution … “
Group: “Oh. No.”
10:50 p.m. — Donald Trump begins to talk. More wine poured.
10:55 p.m. — This whole thing is just a big commercial for Trump and his newest pop-up community.
11:00 p.m. — Miss Colombia wins. We yawn, switch over to “Looking.”
Brock Thompson is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
