FLORIDA HAS SOME BAD MONKEY BUSINESS, WHICH NOW MEANS A BAD CASE OF MONKEY HERPES
Monkey Herpes. Yes, this is really a story about monkey herpes. It’s real. It’s out there. But by out there, I mean Florida, of course. That’s right. Florida has a bad case of the monkey herpes. Normally, I’d say this is monkey business. But it is, literally, monkey business. Decades ago in 1938, some idiot let a dozen rhesus macaque monkeys loose on a man-made island in Florida’s Silver Springs State Park. The idiot wanted to create a Tarzan attraction. But Florida never got a case of the Tarzans. Ungowa, Cheeta. It just got monkeys…. with herpes.
RHESUS MACAQUE MONKEYS, ONCE A TOURIST ATTRACTION, NOW AN INFECTION RISK TO PUBLIC
So the monkeys escaped the island, naturally. They even became a tourist attraction. But they became a nuisance, of course. Florida officials removed over 1,000 of them. But as of 2 years ago, there are still about 300 of them hanging around strip malls. Some have even moved as far away as 100 miles near Jacksonville! But about a third of these suburban monkeys have Herpes-B. We also know that as monkey herpes. So if you’re a bestial freak, beware. It’s very rare. But humans can also get this herpes. While none of the 50 humans with it actually got it from monkeys, it can be deadly. Like, it will kill you in 6 weeks deadly.
HUMANS CAN GET HERPES-B, SO FLORIDA NEEDS TO TAKE ACTION, AND SOON
But now, these rhesus macaques who may have herpes are hanging around residential neighborhoods. They’re pretty skittish critters. But they are primates and can be very aggressive, especially around us. But these guys are also pretty smart. They’ve already organized raids of deer feeders as groups. But Florida literally has a bad case of monkey herpes. It’s in the wild. But the wild these days also means Florida neighborhoods. We could be one monkey bite away from an infected human. Or more.