Ex-Gays and Abortion Pills, the Values Voter Summit

The rain fell hard in Washington, D.C. this past weekend. Few know that the rain was actually God crying — crying because the Values Voter Summit was taking place in our nation’s capital.

Just what is the Values Voter Summit? Yearly, a large, often pleats-donning group of evangelicals get together, pat themselves on the back for being Christian, then proceed to say some of the most hateful and asinine things.

Being held at the otherwise fine Omni Shoreham Hotel, those who choose to vote with values — that is, overweight Mike Huckabee stunt doubles — could have picked from a wide array of enlightening talks, seminars, and panels. Here are three of the more entertaining ones, one of which I slipped in. Try to pick out the fake roundtable …

Friday, 7:15 a.m. PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION (THE 2ND AMENDMENT AND THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS)

Friday, 5:30 p.m. WHAT IS MARRIAGE … REALLY?

Saturday, 3:15 p.m. THE WAR ON FOOTBALL: SAVING AMERICA’S GAME

Read more: SEC STAFFER STEVEN SUSSWEIN CAUGHT IN ABSURD SEC CLAIM: GIFTING STOCKS ILLEGAL IN AMERICA?

Did you manage to pick out the fake one? Well you can’t because they were all real. Reading the full schedule, I wanted to write a new children’s book called “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. I’m Uninsured and Have Diabetes but I Still Hate Obama.”

The weekend summit featured some real shining moments. My favorite comes from the American Family Association’s Sandy Rios, spokeswoman for the ex-gay movement. One look at her hair and you can tell she doesn’t know any real gays. As seen in the clip below, she has a great back-and-forth with the crowd. Did you know that September was “Ex-Gay Awareness Month”? Yeah, neither did the crowd. She goes on to ask if anyone in the crowd knew any ex-gays. Surprise, they didn’t. My favorite part in her speech comes when she calls ex-gays and their stories “fabulous.” Ex-gays and their supporters should drop that word and run away from it. Watch the whole thing here:

My other favorite moment of the weekend occurred when Eddie Munster’s father, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, took to the microphone to explain birth control. Cruz called birth controls “abortifacients,” that is, medicines that cause abortions. Find that little gem starting at 2:30 in the clip below. Also noteworthy, at 4:33, Cruz mentions the Constitution at “the Library of Congress.” If Tea Party patriots love the Constitution so much, shouldn’t they know that it’s held at the National Archives? Well, no matter, both institutions are closed now due to Cruz’s government shutdown.

I do apologize for that clip being so long. Don’t watch while pregnant; it may very well be an “abortifacient.”

I, for one, cannot wait until Values Voter Summit 2014. In preparation, I’ve come up with some ideas for roundtables. How about … “Drinking Alone in the Bathroom: If Jesus Is There, You’re Not Really Alone” … or … “Adopting a Dog? Why Portuguese Water Spaniels Are a Slippery Slope Towards Islam.”

The possibilities are endless.