Dear Jennifer Aniston, You Need A Mansion-Sized Reality Check

https://www.theblot.com/dear-jennifer-aniston-you-need-a-mansion-sized-reality-check-7746926
Jennifer Aniston and her pity party halts homes being constructed in L.A., killing tons of jobs because they don’t like homes bigger than theirs! Wah, wah! (© Faye Sadou / UPA ./Retna Ltd./Corbis photo)

Jennifer Aniston and her pity party halts homes being constructed in L.A., killing tons of jobs because they don’t like homes bigger than theirs! Wah, wah! (© Faye Sadou / UPA ./Retna Ltd./Corbis photo)

Jennifer Aniston and her pity party of petitioners work to halt homes being constructed and kill thousands of jobs because they don’t like BIGGER houses than their own being built in their neighborhood! Wah, wah!

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

You need a reality check. You don’t know me, but my parents were once on a bicycle tour with you in France. On the first day of the tour, you rode a little, and then said you had a sore ankle. After that, for days, you were driven across France in a support vehicle and smoked cigars. I’m not implying anything negative with this opening, but I will come back to it.

Jennifer, you reportedly own a $20-million-ish sprawling mansion, so you whining about someone else’s home being too big is ludicrous. ABC and The Telegraph quoted you saying, “The very idea that a building of 90,000 square feet can be called a home seems at the least a significant distortion of building code.” OK, back up your Benz, missy. Who are you to dictate the definition of a home? Here’s a picture of a stately home in England. You must be familiar with it as Highclere is the set for the PBS hit “Downton Abbey.” Highclere is 120,000 square feet. It has been the home of the Earls of Carnarvon since 1679.

Highclere Castle

The 120,000-square-foot Highclere Castle in Hampshire, England, is the set of ‘Downton Abbey.’

 And below is Blenheim Palace. This home exceeds 200,000 square feet, and it was the home where Winston Churchill was born. My point is, Jennifer, there’s always a bigger house. You and your pity party sound like the guys at a yacht club grumbling when someone arrives with a bigger boat.

Blenheim Palace panorama

There is always a bigger house! Blenheim Palace, in Woodstock, England, is home to the Churchills.

I’m sure you’ve watched “Downton Abbey,” so you should know that hundreds of jobs are created in the upkeep of a stately home. I’ll get to construction later. Staff live in stately homes. I’m wondering if your footprint (in your 8,500-square-foot mansion in the Hollywood Hills) is actually bigger per square foot than a Saudi prince’s, in a 85,000-square-foot estate, when it comes to numbers of people inhabiting the premises. Didn’t the prince have to scale back to around 60,000 now? Those dudes have a lot of wives and kids.

The other night, I was chatting with a friend in the U.K. who has expertise in nobility and estates, but he’s asked to remain anonymous. His family name is a household name. When I told him about your quest and wondered about the size of your footprint, he joked, “Oh, no doubt, Jennifer is a waste of space.” He also reckoned that a Saudi prince’s palatial home would have way more people per square feet (living and working in it) than you do in yours. I mean come on, Jennifer, you’re complaining about houses being too big. It’s not like you’re living off the grid in a tiny house.

Can you imagine how you,  owner of a $20-million home, sound when you complain about house sizes to this family I met in Kyrgyzstan? That’s their yurt. That’s their home, and that’s not the entire family. Jen, your house is HUGE to them.

Jennifer Aniston can you imagine  how excessively huge your 20 million dollar home would seem to this family in Kyrgyzstan? (Photo by Kirsten Koza)

Hey, Jennifer Aniston, can you imagine how excessively huge your Hollywood home would seem to this family from Kyrgyzstan? (Photo by Kirsten Koza)

Also think about the employment opportunities when building what is apparently called a “giga-mansion:” machine operators, concrete formers, framers, welders, drywallers, tilers, painters, carpenters, stone masons, fireplace masons, floorers, roofers, plumbers, electricians, water specialists, landscapers, pool specialists and all their apprentices. Building a Mohamed Hadid giga-mansion or a palace like producer Nile Niami’s (like the one near you which makes your place look dinky) is a dream job for many. How often do craftsmen get to build a palace? These homes are works of art. That’s selfish of you to deny these people this work opportunity. How would you like it if someone told you that a film you were working on was too big and shouldn’t be made?

You’re like the Imelda Marcos of purses. I’d never spend $3,000 on a handbag, but I figure it’s one of your forms of expression and freedoms, and I’d never tell you not to buy another expensive purse. So who are you to tell people how to express themselves when it comes to building their homes?

Here’s a picture of my friend Allison Green’s butt.

Allison Green wiped out mountain biking into the Colca Canyon in Peru. But she kept biking across Peru regardless of her injuries. (Photo  courtesy of Allison Green.)

Allison Green wiped out mountain biking into the Colca Canyon in Peru — but unlike Miss Aniston, she kept biking across Peru regardless of her injuries. (Photo courtesy of Allison Green)

I’m getting back to the opening of my letter now. Allison wiped out when we were mountain biking down into the Colca Canyon in Peru. The Colca Canyon is two times deeper than the Grand Canyon. We speculated that she broke bones in her foot, and she was really banged up, but Allison kept riding on our bike trip across Peru. I’m not saying you should be as tough as Allison Green, Jennifer, but I am saying you’re coming across like a real whiner. Oh, I guess I lied about my opener not being anything negative.

P.S. My dad thinks you’re super cute.

______________

Kirsten Koza is a humorist, author of “Lost in Moscow: A Brat in the USSR,” contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine and recently edited “Wake Up and Smell the Shit: Hilarious Travel Disasters, Monstrous Toilets, and a Demon Dildo” which is coming to bookstores this autumn.

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