The Day That Facebook Died, World Would Be Over

The Day That Facebook Died, World Would Be Over

Facebook is facing challenges

Mark Zuckerberg had a dream. A dream that one day children of every race, color and creed could poke each other and be incredibly snarky behind each other’s backs. It was a glorious time, dear reader. Why, any gay frolic through the social networks on any given eve in the mid-2000s could bear you the fruit of a new lover, a new friend, or perhaps an exciting event to attend. It was a magical time.

Alas, what was once a fresh blossom is now a decaying bloom past its prime, a reminder of what once was when we were young and had the whole world ahead of us. Facebook, now, is but a savage mis-dream, a daily reminder that we did not live up to our expectations, that we, dear and honest reader, died a long, long time ago. We did not become rock stars and baseball players and fancy debutantes, no. We grew up and became freelancers slavin’ away over hot keyboards, workin’ long hours in the content mines for sometimes just 12 Facebook likes a day. A man just can’t live on 12 Facebook likes. What kind of tarnation is this? I live for the applause, dammit! Gimme some tap shoes and 140 characters — I’ll show you I can do it! I used to headline on Tumblr! I used to be somebody, mamma!


And so we slaved away workin’ for media companies in New York City from mornin’ until night. They wanted likes and hashtags like they couldn’t get enough of ’em, but they didn’t know … they didn’t know what those things MEANT. Do you know how hard it is to come up with a good hashtag? Why, a good one takes days. But they wanted more and more of ’em. Many couldn’t handle the pressure.

Then Instagram switched to video and then everyone thought they could be a star. You had people comin’ out of the woodwork and moving to New York City just to be in a Vine. Me? I couldn’t make it in the talkies.

I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody. But instead I’m just a blogger.

Well, I gots me a song for ya. I hope you like it. Why don’t you do what we used to do back in the day, and click this here link and sing along with me, why don’t ya? Like old times. For funsies. #feelgood.

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that Facebook used to make me smile
And, I knew if I had my chance that I could make those people click, and…
Maybe they’d be happy for a while
But, Snapchat made me shiver
With every picture I’d deliver
Bad news on the doorstep — I couldn’t take one more step
I can’t remember if I cried when I read about Zuckerberg’s widowed bride
Something touched me deep inside
The day the Facebook died

So, bye bye Social Media Pie
Drove my MacBook to the levee, but the levee was dry
Them Palo Alto boys were drinking Red Bull and rye, singing…
This’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

Did you write the Farmville code and do you have faith in God, above?
If the Terms of Agreement tells you so
Now, do you believe in user engagement? Can clicking save your mortal soul? And…
Can you teach me how to take selfies real slow?
Well, I know that you’re in love with Twitter’s Rob Delaney, ’cause I saw you clicking “like” on everything he’d say
You both kicked off your Verified Accounts — man, I dig those, and what the fuck is Klout?
I was once a lonely, teenage broncin’ buck with a dial-up modem and a Dell notebook, but…
I knew I was out of luck the day that Facebook died

I started singing, bye bye Social Media Pie
Sold my modem to a old man for a burger and fries 
Them Venture Capitalist boys were drinking artisanal gin and rye, singing…
This’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

Now, for ten years (roughly) we’ve been on our own and I can’t think of anyone that buys physical copies of Rolling Stone, but…
That’s not how it used to be
When the Social Media Expert sang for the king and queen in a coat he borrowed from Eduardo Saverin
In a voice that came from ASCII
Oh, and while the Media Company was looking down the supposed “Social Media Expert” stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned — no verdict was returned
And, while Fred Wilson read a book on Marx, the bourgeois everyday users started dropping off like flies
We sang dirges in the dark
The day that Facebook died

Etc, etc, etc, 

FaceTime solo

Fade out

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