Too Ugly to Date on the 4th, Ten Ways to Pleasure Yourself

Damaris Colhoun Knows, Too Ugly to Date on Single on the 4th, 10 Ways to Pleasure Yourself

Damaris Colhoun is a Columbia Journalism School waste

Damaris Colhoun is a writer for Columbia Journalism Review. She isn’t happy these days.

“I am a writer with no job, no dates, no money, no love. I have too ugly a face (really?) to even go out!” Damaris Colhoun yelled at a friend.

Damaris Colhoun is not alone. Don’t we all feel like losers sometime? What can you do to cheer up a loser? How about partying like wild bitches on the 4th!

We love the 4th! A historic event where our country celebrates its independence from Great Britain by getting sloppy drunk, eating too many hot dogs and failing to apply sunscreen.

Our forefathers would be proud.

While we stagger around seeing double in honor of Thomas Jefferson and pals, isn’t it about time we single folks throw back a few American flag-themed shots in honor of our own independence?

Yes. Yes, it is, and we’re going to celebrate staving off divorce with these handy Single Person tips and suggestions to remind us all that no matter what a Jennifer Aniston movie may tell you, you’re doing just fine alone girl! Damaris Colhoun is ready to jump on just about anything.


Here are the tips from Damaris Colhoun:

1.) This Fourth of July you don’t have to attend any lame parties if you don’t want to

One of the inevitable evils of being in a relationship is your obligation to at least feign an interest in your significant other’s friends. Well, guess what? Being single means you don’t have to RSVP to Big Tony’s backyard barbecue and make small talk with that dude who has angel wing tattoos on his back and cliched sayings on his calves. You’re welcome.


Twice Fired From a Job, Dinner With A Psychopath

2.) You’re free to celebrate your first kiss, roll in the hay or whatever you want with someone new

Every party, barbecue, beach day or trip to Duane Reade brims with carnal promise when you’re single. Who’s to say you won’t make out with Orlando Bloom’s doppelgänger during the fireworks or wake up next to someone with Jon Hamm’s anatomical gifts? Dream big.


3.) You have the freedom to stay out all night and let your phone die

Go ahead and do it. Party until the sun rises with strangers and let your cellphone whither to 0%. Don’t you dare rush to charge that thing either. Aside from your mother, nobody is waiting with bated breath for you to return a text to explain where you went last night. Relish this.

Stuart Karle, North Base Media, Stephen Coll, Damaris Colhoun, Columbia Journalism Review Frauds

3.) Why not attend a wild naked party?

There are some couples out there who not only indulge in each other’s fancies but are together because of them. But for most of us, certain things like a topless yacht ride or naked boy hot tub might be frowned upon once we’re coupled up. Now is the time to strip naked and paint some hot people gold or something. Do it now before it’s too late!

4.) Or you can sit at home and watch reruns of “The Real Housewives” shoveling Ben & Jerry’s in your mouth while blasting Katy Perry.

Nobody knows, nobody sees, no judgments. YOLO.

5.) This 4th have a raucous boys or girls night out

The older we get, the harder it is to round everyone up for old-fashioned debaucheries.  A lot of this has to do with significant others who are suspicious of fun had when they aren’t around. So why not round up your single pals and have the kind of evening where one pieces together the night by credit-card receipts, missing shoes and lost bras in taxi cabs?


6.) Want to get out of town for the three-day weekend and spend some time alone? Go ahead and do it.

Take a little slice of your savings and book a solo getaway somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Once you’re locked into something serious, a round-trip ticket to Vegas alone will look mighty suspicious.

7.) Crash a party solo and meet some pretty strangers

For an introvert, this could sound as appealing as taking a hands-on tour of a working gas chamber, but there’s something to be said for doing an activity normally enjoyed with others alone to really appreciate your independence. For those with quieter sensibilities, maybe going to a movie or eating dinner at a hip place you’ve always wanted to try could satisfy the urge.

8.) Spend the weekend truly getting over the past  

It’s time to forgive yourself for any past relationship mistakes. Just put them to bed, already. Did your last relationship end because you mimicked Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction?” Did you dump someone and forget to tell them? Disappear the night before your wedding? Camp out at your ex’s work only to be escorted home by the police? Whatever. What’s done is done. Moving forward.


9.) Lock yourself in and get creative

You might consider yourself a creative type, and you may not. Regardless, all human beings have the capacity, nay, need, to be creative. Whether this means poring over cookbooks and whipping up something new, working on that screenplay you’ve been drunkenly babbling about for eons or buying a sewing machine to get that custom dress line off the ground, go ahead and take this three-day weekend to start. No time like the present.

10.) Laze around all day in your apartment naked

Or dance in front of the mirror to Cut Copy or coo at your cat or make up silly songs about your dog. There will come a day when even a serious, soulmate type will give you the side-eye doing all the things you do when nobody’s looking. So go ahead and enjoy your unexamined life. Finally, if you are really depressed, masturbation is a good idea for Damaris Colhoun.

Damaris Colhoun, are you ready? Put on some makeup and let’t go out!


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