Man Jumps Into Croc River to Impress Girl, Gets Mauled

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Man Jumps Into Croc River to Impress Girl Gets Mauled

DON’T JUMP INTO A CROC RIVER TO IMPRESS A GIRL, EVEN IF YOU’RE A DRUNK TEEN

I so do not miss being a teenager.  So just remembering all the crazy, stupid hormone fueled thoughts makes me embarrassed.  But fortunately, I acted on very few of those stupid thoughts.  Sure, I wanted to impress girls.  But I never went to the hospital for trying to impress a girl.  I never almost got killed, either.  Sure, maybe this girl was just that hot.  But I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have jumped into a river full of crocodiles to look cool.  I’m pretty sure I would have known that’s not cool.  But guess what’s definitely not cool?  When you do jump in and a croc mauls you, badly.  Hey babe!  Want to go out?  I just got mauled for you!

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IDIOT WANTED TO PROVE A POINT, CROC QUICKLY MAULED HIM AFTER SPLASH DOWN

So besides hormones there’s another caveate to this story.  And that would be alcohol.  The mauled 18-year-old was Lee De Paauw.  And he was drunk when he jumped in the river with the crocs.  But even better?  He had just met this girl when he jumped in to impress her.  Paauw had been drinking roughly 10 cups of goon.  That’s Australian for boxed wine.  So when he met British backpacker (and supposed hottie) Sophie Patterson he told her that “backpackers are more likely to get eaten by crocodiles than Australians, so we decided to go down to the river and test the theory.”

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SOMEHOW, THIS GIRL AGREED TO A DATE AFTER WATCHING CROC MAUL HIM, TERRIFIED AND SCEAMING

But when he jumped in a croc came after him instantly.  It gouged his arm and broke it in two places.  He barely saved himself by punching it’s snout and gouging at its eyes.  It let him go.  But if it had taken him under, he’d be a goner.  As for the British hottie Sophie Patterson, 24, she said later that “there was blood everywhere and he just wouldn’t stop screaming.”  But guess what?  She agreed to go out on a date with the one armed idiot.

Cradle robber.

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