Obama Orders 'Chemtrails' to Poison Arizonans

Another week, another Obama-is-trying-to-kill-us-all Tea Party-fueled conspiracy theory.

Well, where to begin? You’ve undoubtedly seen contrials in the sky? Those long, thin-looking clouds behind airplanes caused by water vapor. Well, you can see them, and ask yourself, “Hey, what causes those? I bet science can explain that?” Or you can be like Arizona State Senator Kelli Ward (R-Craycraytown) and suggest that those contrails are actually “chemtrails” (see what they did there?), that is, chemical weapons being sprayed by government airplanes on citizens on the orders of President Obama … yeah, yeah, yeah.

Science can explain those long white things. Or not. Whatever.

Yes. Chemtrails. A problem so non-existent that Sen. Kelli-with-an-“I” Ward held a public meeting and even had the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality on hand to answer questions from concern citizens. And guess what? It was all recorded.

There was a brief, fact-laden presentation of sorts by the ADEQ, which, of course, was automatically suspect because, 1) it’s a government agency and 2), it’s all science-y. And, ta-da, after that, the audience was invited to ask questions and provide comments.

I’ll wait here while you go pop some popcorn. But let me warn you, after watching about 10 minutes of this, you’ll be ready to give up on this democracy thing.

The audience, many apparently fresh from tipping 10 percent at Denny’s, had some great points and very informed questions. I’ve summed up their major points here:

“These chemtrails, these chemical weapons Obama is spraying on us? Is there any antidote for the heavy metals we are now ingesting on our food and water?”
“God I hate Obama.”
“How do extraterrestrials figure into all of this?”
“Is Obama an extraterrestrial?”
“Does that disqualify him for being president of the United States?”
“How do state’s rights come into play here?”
“Just how much of our tax dollars are being spent on killing us with chemical weapons?”
“Can this be done cheaper?”
At the 55:45 mark, perhaps the first time the word “poop” was said in a public meeting.

My favorite comment: This goes to concerned citizen and weather guru Jennifer Cramer. According to Cramer, the chemtrials are a government plot to change the climate of Arizona. How does she know? “Every time they do chemtrailing there is some dramatic change in the weather. I noticed it this weekend and then it got very windy,” Cramer said. “I’m not a scientist and I don’t know what’s in the (chemtrails). I think we have a right to know instead of worry about it every day.”

Wind. Obama’s most nefarious weapon.

Second favorite comment: The woman who devised a way to conduct an at-home heavy metal test so you yourself can find out what exactly you’re being poisoned with (fast forward to the 1:33 mark). “There’s a simple test you can take with hydrogen peroxide and red wine in your mouth. And when you spit it out, you will see all those nanoparticles collect in the bowl.”

I tried this test a dozen times last night. Got really, really drunk and suffered burns in my esophagus.

According to a meeting recap in the New York Daily News, “neighbors will hopefully learn that contrails are frozen water vapors that follow jets at high altitudes.”

Hopefully. But don’t count on it.

Brock Thompson is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.