The Conservatives Turn to Craigslist For Hot Gay Sex During CPAC

THE CONSERVATIVES TURN TO CRAIGSLIST FOR HOT GAY SEX DURING CPAC

Craigslist, the gay playground

Oh, CPAC. You never disappoint.

Each year around this time, the Conservative Political Action Committee, or CPAC, rolls into town. And with it, every closeted gay with some sort of Ronald Reagan fantasy storms Washington, looking for a quick hookup between the speeches.

It’s harder, too, because CPAC used to meet in Washington itself, specifically, in Woodley Park, a fashionable neighborhood in the northwest section of the city. But the Pakistani restaurant across the street from the hotel made the conference goers “too nervous.” So, they have since retreated to the safety of Maryland, where scores of outlet malls and “better help” insulate their nutty political views (one workshop mentioned in CPAC’s program was called Leeches vs. Vaccines).

Nevertheless, hooking up is certainly in order for these randy little conservatives. I’ve plucked out a few of my favorite Craigslist ads for you here.

Here I thought conservatives weren’t cool with minorities. Not the case; this guy here is an equal opportunity seeker — any race will do apparently. He’s also clean-cut, and I had to explain to my Jewish co-worker that it had nothing to do with his circumcision going remarkably well, more that he probably wanted to f**k you wearing a blue blazer or something.

Read more: U.S. Government Worker Trapped in a Chinese Spy ‘Love Affair’

 

This guy isn’t at CPAC but nonetheless hopes to be part of the magic that goes on there.

 

This guy is incredibly specific. But come on, haven’t we all dreamed of hooking up with a “constitutionalist”? I hear they are such gentle lovers.

 

This guy is so pumped up and ready for it after seeing in the flesh those sexy beasts of the right-wing Bobby Jindal and Chris Christie. I get hot just thinking of those two. He probably had to bring an extra suitcase for those uniforms and accoutrements, I suppose.

 

Again with the specifics. This guy knows exactly what he wants, and proves my point that most of these guys have some sort of weird Ronald Reagan/jelly bean fetish that CPAC oddly provides cover for. Win this hookup for the gipper.

Not to be left out, I published my own, you know, just to see what happens:

So. I spend so much time in rural Indiana, CPAC is my only outlet for this sort of thing.

What I’m looking for: you, a masculine Ayn Rand, me, the 47%. And I want you to slap me around hard.

Read more: DAMARIS COLHOUN, COLUMBIA JOURNALISM REVIEW WRITER, DEERE IN THE HEADLIGHTS

Or … you could bust in my room, catch me trying to enroll in a healthcare market place/state exchange, and then punish me for it. Punish me good.

We can meet at the bar first, if you want. I will be wearing khakis and a navy blue blazer.

The responses are rolling in. I think I had them at Ayn Rand.

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