Coke Has an It Problem in Washington

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Coke Has an It Problem in Washington

When I say “Coke in Washington!” you probably think of junior congressmen doing rails off of the Declaration of Independence. While that is an accurate visual metaphor for what is actually going on in Congress as we speak, you may be surprised to know that the popular drink Coca-Cola has a problem in Washington state. There’s currently a proposed law — Initiative 522 — which would require all genetically modified foods to be labeled. And you thought we were talking about cocaine. The ol’ bait-and-switch headline, that’s what we call that one. Yep.

OK. So do you know what a GMO is? I didn’t either until I ate a knowledge sandwich: a GMO is a “genetically modified o” (I forgot the last part) and under a new law, it has to have a label on it saying that is has been genetically modified. AND WHAT CAN POSSIBLY BE MORE GENETICALLY MODIFIED THAN COCA-COLA, you ask? Well, that’s where the conundrum comes in.

Coke has paid $1.4m to lobbyists and political factions to make sure that the law doesn’t pass. Pepsi paid roughly the same amount.

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In fact, a lot of companies paid a lot of money to make sure that they don’t have the “Sup Y’all This Is a Genetically Modified Product!” label on the front. Here’s the full list courtesy of our BFFs over at Politico (disclaimer: we have never met anyone there and they are not our BFFs):

  • Nestle USA Inc. ($1,528,206)
  • General Mills ($869,270)
  • ConAgra Foods ($828,521)
  • Campbell Soup ($384,888)
  • The Hershey Company ($360,450)
  • The J.M. Smucker Company ($349,977)
  • Kellogg Company ($322,049)
  • Hormel Foods Company ($76,803)

Interestingly enough, Campbell Soups — you know … the ones with the cans — have effectively said, “F*CK Y’ALL, BRING IT ON, WE AIN’T MODIFIED.” This has turned the whole GMO argument into a bizarre, weird rap battle of sorts. Campbell Soup spokeswoman Carla Burigatto said, “We believe that the standards for food labeling should be determined by the federal agencies that are charged with the responsibility for assuring food safety and quality and the appropriate labeling of food products, based on credible science, on a national basis. That’s why we contributed to GMA [Grocery Manufacturers Association] efforts against state-by-state food labeling laws, including Ballot Initiative 522 in Washington,” Burigatto said.

Read more: U.S. Government Worker Trapped in a Chinese Spy ‘Love Affair’

Coke’s slipping, though, son. Sh*t isn’t doing as well as it used to as people are becoming wise to the fact that MAYBE — just MAYBE — putting 140 calories of pure sugar directly into your bloodstream several times a day isn’t exactly gonna keep the pounds off, unless you count diabetic amputation as “keeping the pounds off” due to the fact that you soon won’t have a foot if you continue to drink full-calorie sodas. Even so-called “diet sodas” are full of sadness and tears and ghouls (unfounded fact).

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