Charles Kushner did Nothing Wrong

Charles Kushner did Nothing Wrong


 Charles Kushner, Jared Kushner’s father, did nothing wrong! He raised four beautiful children and many, many expensive buildings. He’s a success and he needs EVERYONE to know that. Charles Kushner recently sat down with the New York Times to talk about his family and his businesses, which seem inextricably intertwined, but not in a bad way! In a normal way! Lots of people hire their children to work for them! Anyway, here’s what we learned about Charles:

  1. We learned that he spent two years in a federal prison in Alabama on basic business-man charges but that the judge deciding his case gave him the longest sentence he could because Charles, exacting revenge against his brother-in-law who had testified against him, hired a prostitute to seduce his sister’s husband, which was then filmed and sent to said sister. Oopsies!
  2. We learned that he has two huge Manhattan real-estate projects that are on creditors’ watch lists, which basically means nobody wants to lend them money. But that’s because they are just JEALOUS.
  3. We learned that he is actually charming, whereas his son is…not.
  4. We learned that his daughter might have lured in potential Chinese investors with the promise for favor from the White House. That might be bad, but he is only following what his Commander in Chief would have wanted him to do!

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5. We learned he is disappointed in Jared for so quickly falling in rank since arriving in Washington. He didn’t explicitly say this, but one look into his eyes made everything clear.

6. His other son, Josh, didn’t vote for Trump and isn’t afraid to say so. He and Jared aren’t speaking, which Charles simply denies. See? Can’t catch him if he refuses to believe he even exists! What a smarty pants.

7. We learned he doesn’t want any publicity because it seems to be hurting rather than helping. Maybe he’s never heard of the phrase, “There’s no bad publicity, just bad people being caught doing explicitly bad things.”               Oh well, maybe it’s better he not know.

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