CAPT KIRK ARRESTED FOR MASTURBATION IN CLEARWATER, FLORIDA
This is a story about where every man has boldly gone before. Just not necessarily in public, like one James Bundrick. Florida’s Clearwater Police responded to a call reporting a “lewd and lascivious act” earlier this week. They arrived at a bus stop early Monday morning to and found Bundrick there sitting on the bench. But the 56-year-old had his hands in his pants and there was clearly some activity going on under there. Not only was he touching himself, the police report even noted that it was “obvious he was masturbating.” But even more disturbing was the wanker soiling an important cultural icon. He told police that he was James Tiberious Kirk as they arrested him. Police had some doubts this man wast Capt Kirk.
WANKER SAID HE WAS JUST SCRATCHING HIMSELF, A LOT A LOT A LOT
Come on, man! Is there nothing sacred? We know you are not the captain of the starship Enterprise! Maybe this guy had too much Romulan Ale? We’ve all heard how much it can screw with your brain from tons of lines from Leonard McCoy, or “Bones.” Well, actually we’ve even seen Bones somewhat in his cups from the pointy eared booze. But we’ve never seen Bones work his Bone! Or have we? I don’t think so. But police first asked Bundrick what he was doing. He replied, “I’m scratching myself.” Well, that was some itch.
POLICE CHARGE IDIOT WITH DISORDERLY CONDUCT AND FALSE NAME
Captain Kirk has been portrayed by William Shatner and Chris Pine. I’m only mentioning that because Pine is a wood, and Captain Kirk was arrested for doing too much with his wood. Ut anyway who gets arrested for disorderly conduct and goes Kirk all the way? He even used Tiberious! Authorities charged Bendrick with both disorderly conduct as well as providing a false name to law enforcement. But there should also be a law against throwing out Kirk’s name like that. That’s not cool at all.
MASTURBATOR HAS A DARKER PAST WITH BOMB THREAT AND BATTERY
Bendrick is a transient and is no stranger with the law. He did a three year stretch in the joint from 2013-16 for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and delivering a fake bomb threat. So maybe this Capt Kirk wanker scene isn’t so bad after all. But why did the town have to be Clearwater, Anyway? That’s just wrong.