ATTENTION ALL “GRILL MASTERS!” LEARN HOW TO CHEESE YOUR BURGERS PROPERLY!
Burgers are a staple for the vast majority of people. Even if you don’t eat them regularly, or if your dietary habits now fall into the no meat, no processed realm, you know what a burger tastes like. Whether you know how it should taste and how best to do something simple like put cheese on one is another story entirely! The majority of burgers are cheesed all wrong. Grill chefs and home cooks tend to make the same mistake by rote, they flip the burger on the grill and then lay slices of cheese on the cooked side up while the burger finishes cooking on the other side. Mistake!
BURGERS SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE THE SIMPLE DELICACY THEY ARE, CHEESE EVEN AND LOVELY
This is actually quite a dumb thing to do. Most cheese doesn’t actually need a lot of heat to melt, and if the burgers are going from grill to bread there is certainly more than enough heat left to melt the cheese properly. When you melt the cheese on the still cooking patty, you end with too thin cheese and folded up or congealed on the side of the burger. Gross! Eating your way to the middle of the burger should be its own reward, but the cheese is gone! And you’ve got extra melted stuff all over your grill you have to clean, elbow grease required.
WANT TO SPEND AN HOUR CLEANING YOUR GRILL? DON’T READ THIS!
Here’s another dumbass thing burger chefs do when they construct cheeseburgers: they put the cheeseburger cheese-side up on the bottom half of the bun, and then they pile lettuce and onions and pickles on top of the cheese, and then smash the top half of the bun down onto the whole deal. You moron! All that wet vegetation and those blobs of slick condiments make your burger a slick, sliding mess, and in all that sliding, the cheese is, again, pushed away from the top of the burger and onto the burger’s sides. Horrible.
SIMPLE PHYSICS, GRAVITY, NOT TOO MUCH HEAT: PERFECT BURGER
Here’s what you do: right before you pull the burger off the grill, put however much cheese you want onto the inside surface of the top bun; then pull the burger patty off the grill and lay it down onto the cheese; then load up the bottom bun with condiments and vegetation; then put the top half of the burger down onto the bottom half. Do you see? The cheese, as it melts, adheres to the porous top of the bun. There will be uniform cheese thickness across the entire burger, so that as you eat the burger you get the delicious creaminess of cheese in every bite, and a burger that doesn’t slip apart like a goddamn practical joke as soon as you lift it for a bite.
You should test this theory this very day, by making some delicious cheeseburgers.