What the Bible Really Says, Volume I: Alcoholism

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Fake bible teaching, until this came along

We all know that the most famous text of all time, the Holy Bible, is also one of the most ambiguous. Many people see it as one of the greatest works of fiction the world has ever seen. On the other hand, many Christians swear by the words found within this book of miracles. After numerous generations of contradictory interpretations, I was suddenly struck with the ability to make sense of the verses found within.

That’s right, folks! I am a self-proclaimed Bible interpreter! The first topic I would like to explore is alcoholism. Let’s jump right in.

1 Timothy 5:23 Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake and thine often infirmities.
This means: Like water, wine has health benefits, too. Once you’ve had your daily intake of water, switch over to the vino.

Judges 9:13 And the vine said unto them, Should I leave my wine, which cheereth God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?
This means: God will get drunk with you.

Proverbs 3:9-10 Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the first fruits of all thine increase: So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.
This means: If you get the Lord blitzed, he’ll hook it up.

Genesis 9:24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.
This means: If you black out while drinking, your kids might follow suit.

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Genesis 6:9 These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
This means: God is a good wingman.

Zechariah 9:14-15 And the LORD shall be seen over them, and his arrow shall go forth as the lightning: and the LORD God shall blow the trumpet, and shall go with whirlwinds of the south. The LORD of hosts shall defend them; and they shall devour, and subdue with sling stones; and they shall drink, and make a noise as through wine; and they shall be filled like bowls, and as the corners of the altar.
This means: If you’re throwing an “End of the World” party, God may fly in blowing a trumpet. He’ll protect you while you act like a drunk douchebag.

Jeremiah 51:57 And I will make drunk her princes, and her wise men, her captains, and her rulers, and her mighty men: and they shall sleep a perpetual sleep, and not wake, saith the King, whose name is the LORD of hosts.
This means: Don’t piss the Lord off or he might give you alcohol poisoning.

Jeremiah 13:12-14 Therefore thou shalt speak unto them this word; Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Every bottle shall be filled with wine: and they shall say unto thee, Do we not certainly know that every bottle shall be filled with wine? Then shalt thou say unto them, Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will fill all the inhabitants of this land, even the kings that sit upon David’s throne, and the priests, and the prophets, and all the inhabitants of Jerusalem, with drunkenness. And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together, saith the LORD: I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them.
This means: Don’t piss the Lord off or he might make you drunkenly fight to the death with your family members.


Genesis 19:30-36 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night:and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.
This means: If you don’t get your daughters hitched quickly enough, you might be the victim of drunken, incestuous rape.

Habakkuk 2:16 Thou art filled with shame for glory: drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered…
This means: Because you’re proud of it, pull out your uncut cock while you are drinking.


Matthew 26:29 I [Jesus] will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.
This means: Jesus will get drunk with you if you make it to Heaven.

Thank you, believers.

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