Barilla Pasta Is Anti-Gay, But It is Good Pasta

Barilla pasta is not for gays

Chances are that if you’ve ever been a poor student, an Italian, or possibly a combination of the two, then you’ve eaten Barilla brand pasta. It’s not the best, but it’s cheap and it’ll do in a pinch. Unless you’re gay.

Barilla has just announced that they’ll be using special de-gaying techniques for its pasta, therefore making it uneatable by gay people. Wait. Sorry. What I meant to say is that Guido Barilla has made a public plea for gays not to eat their pasta.

“We won’t include gays in our ads, because we like the traditional family. If gays don’t like it, they can always eat another brand of pasta. Everyone is free to do what they want, provided it doesn’t bother anyone else.”

As anyone who has taken a Marketing 101 class knows, nothing sets you apart from the competition like making yourself more exclusive. Want a hot nightclub? Only let certain people in! Want to sell more pasta? Tell gay people not to eat it!

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And as anyone who has taken Marketing 102 knows: no news is bad news! Barilla came under a firestorm of bad publicity yesterday since making those remarks. Guido (how perfect a name!) was forced to retract his statement. Except not really, saying in Italian (translated into English):

“With reference to statements made yesterday, I apologize if my words have generated controversy or misunderstanding, or if they have hurt the sensibilities of some people. In the interview I simply wanted to highlight the central role of the woman in the family.”

As everyone knows, women are the only people on the planet that cook. That’s why God made their feet so small: to get them closer to the stove! Which is why Barilla wants them to be the ones to buy the pasta. Not men. Because women cook. Right? Right. Guido Barilla is also a staunch advocate of gay adoption, and while this stance on “my pasta isn’t gay!” is certainly curious, it begs the question of whether or not letting “Zitti smothered in white sauce into your mouth” is a thinly veiled description of oral sex.

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Italian “pro-familia” (see what one community college course of Italian can do, folks?) are siding with Guido, citing that gay marriage isn’t “natural.” Which is funny because they’re talking about a product that essentially mainlines carbohydrates directly into your arteries. Perhaps if they want natural, they should fund more locally made pasta. But instead, we’re talking about something said in a book written 2000 years ago (which stars an invisible man living in the sky), so thus, everything that makes sense goes straight out the fucking window.

Italian gay rights advocates are certainly outraged at Guido’s douchiness — and as advocates are wont to do — have created several hashtags to further their cause of a gay-friendly pasta, including (the Italian) #boicottabarilla and (the English language) #boycottbarilla. Will the simple hashtags do anything? Probably not. People should honestly just buy another type of pasta. Or buy local. And not put their self-worth into the hands of multinational conglomerates.