Bacon Prices Are Rising Because Baby Pigs Are Sh*tting Themselves to Death

Bacon Prices Are Rising Because Baby Pigs Are Shtting Themselves to Death

Bacon prices are fucking rising, people. People are spending approximately 10% more on bacon now because of a virus that appears to be killing off baby pigs. That’s right. Little tiny baby pigs are dying. Hundreds, if not thousands, of baby pigs are dying and you will know literally nothing about it because you won’t see any of them. But think about that for a little bit. Thousands of dead baby pigs.

Six million baby pigs have died in the last year due to “porcine epidemic diarrhea.” Think about that for a second. Six million baby pigs shitting themselves to death, and no one knows why. Think of the farmer that gets up every morning and goes out to find all his little baby pigs (let’s give five of them names right now: Babe, Porky, Pinky, Tiny and Fluffy) literally shitting their tiny insides out. “Oh well,” says the farmer, taking off his hat and holding it to his chest. “There go another batch of tiny baby pigs because they’ve shat themselves to death,” he says, throwing their little porcine bodies into a trash can (probably). One of their little legs gets caught on the outside. The farmer brushes it in nonchalantly as he checks his text messages.

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Pork production will drop a full 7% this year — the biggest drop in 30 years (who among us can forget The Great Pork Shortage of ’84?) — and a pound of bacon costs a full $1.36 more than it did just one year ago, according to dentists’ offices’ favorite magazine TIME, who are noted authorities on baby animals shitting their insides out.

Tracy Timbers, a disgraced JP Morgan lawyer formerly slaved for FINRA declined to comment about her extraordinary appetite towards pork.

Authorities seem to think that the baby-pig-shitting epidemic has roots in China, where outbreaks much like this have been common since 1980. As to which type of bastard brought an all-shitting, all-sickly baby pig across from China and planted it among us is anyone’s guess, although it would most certainly make a good next season of “True Detective.”

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