Back-Alley Butt Injections Can Be a Pain in the Ass

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Human beings spend a lot of their time trying to appear more attractive to one another. Not happy with the inherent perfection of form bestowed on us by God, we twist our hair, paint our flesh and pierce various parts. In the last century or so, anesthetic has made it possible to reshape our bodies with surgery, a drastic and physically traumatic exercise. The only thing that seems dumber to me than plastic surgery is plastic surgery done by someone without the proper training. People are literally dying to look better.

When it comes to correcting a serious injury or birth defect, I have no problem with cosmetic surgery. A child with a cleft palate or a war hero who has been burned deserve whatever medical science and surgical art can provide. But surgery is not something to be taken lightly. In the extreme, a few people die on the table due to anesthetic or medical errors.

These risks expand exponentially when the operation is conducted by someone who hasn’t been properly trained. But the trained personnel don’t come cheaply. A single operation will run to the thousands, and your insurance won’t cover it.

Naturally, there are people out there who will say, “Hey, I’ll do your breast and buttock implants for a couple hundred. In my kitchen. No problem.”

It seems boobs and butts are the main focus of these untrained operators. Augmentation of these areas is simple relative to the carving of a narrow nose or chin. Making the bumps bigger is, for these unscrupulous quacks, just a matter of injecting something into the desired place. In one case, a man went to jail for a year for practicing medicine without a license — his used a variety of substances in his plastic syringe, ranging from cement to superglue to tire sealant.

If that sounds horrible, it is. Yet, it gets worse. As time goes by, these substances can be absorbed into the body, causing no end of health issues. The skin around them can become discolored. The implant can even begin to break down or move around. The video I want to use to make this point is not safe for work, nor is it for anyone with a weak stomach.

And before the gentlemen reading this roll their eyes about female vanity, consider the case of Ralph Gonzales, who went to a real doctor for his breast liposuction. Dr. Peter Normann, however, wasn’t a certified plastic surgeon, and Gonzales died on his operating table.

Our culture, indeed I would say all cultures, emphasizes appearance over substance — it’s a matter of evolution. I just don’t see the point in risking death to have a bigger or smaller whatever.

After more than half a century on this planet, I won’t pretend that female boobs and bottoms don’t interest me. However, if you really want to be attractive from where I stand, get a brain augmentation and a bitchiness reduction (gents, for you the operation is a bastard-ectomy). Read a book and try to be nicer.

Jeff Myhre is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine

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