Keanu Reeves moping on a park bench is an exciting new action figure created by New York-based designer Nancy Liang (Neuralfirings). For just $45 for a full-size doll and $25 for a miniature version, you too could have hours of fun gloating over Sad Keanu, who was forever immortalized melancholy by a paparazzi photo on which the doll is based. I was told by a reliable source that Keanu Reeves gets plenty of roles because he is very nice to work with, so this figurine will be especially popular amongst vindictive stars who lose work to pleasant Mr. Reeves and want to toy with his commemorated misery.
The Sad Keanu doll is by no means alone as a peculiar action figure. There’s Angela Lansbury and her action bed from Disney’s “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” (1971), a “highly sought after item” according to collector Brian Adams of coolandcollected.com. Angela Lansbury was another lonely action figure unless Big Jim drove over in his sports camper to try out her action bed. No other dolls were made from the “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” movie, not even any Nazis.
However, there are Nazi action figures in the War Criminals of the 20th Century series. Hitler’s box warns that he isn’t recommended for children under 3. There are costume changes and accessories for the Nazis, perfect for the little girl who wants to host a War Criminal tea party or fashion show. Hollywoodprop.com has an impressive collection, including Hitlers ranging in price from $255-$500, Hermann Göring, commander of the Luftwaffe, complete with fancy leather coat and sword for $209, and a dashing-looking Reichsführer Heinrich Himmler for $199-$209, plus many more.
When I showed a friend the Hitler action figure he said, “Jesus!” and I said, “Jesus comes as an action figure as well.” There are several versions of Jesus. The Deluxe Jesus action figure sold on Amazon comes with five loaves of bread, two fish, plus Jesus has glow-in-the-dark green hands. I don’t recall the Jesus story about glow-in-the-dark green hands; maybe someone could 
enlighten me. The ad text claims the product “turns water into wine.” Now that’s a bonus! All of a sudden his $95 price tag seems like a bargain if he can turn water into wine in his plastic accessory jug. For far cheaper, one can get a Jesus Christ Talking Action Figure, who says “25 different phrases in the first lady’s own voice” (that would be weird). And there’s Biker Jesus and the Jesus Soccer Action Figure, with golden shoes and cleats. There’s also a Jesus action figure in military fatigues because Jesus loved camo.
Jesus has biblical action figure friends, made by various companies, and available online. On Amazon there’s Accoutrement’s Moses ($12), who comes with stone tablets but sadly not a burning bush. However, Biblequest’s Moses Action Figure ($20) comes with a small burning bush and a serpent. Then there is Noah, a deal at $14. Boatless Noah comes with two goats and a tiger. I think we know how that story is going to end.
In non-devotional action figures there’s the ’70s and ’80s band Devo — one doll with interchangeable band member heads. They come with an energy dome and one whip — I guess so you can “whip it.” The starting price listed on Amazon for a Devo set is $50 and goes drastically upwards.
What separates the Sad Keanu doll from the other odd action figures is perhaps the intended use of the product. Sad Keanu’s makers do not claim that the product is not intended for mockery, where at least the Hitler box warns of a choking hazard. Not even the war criminals were produced for contempt, but were intended for history enthusiasts (though I’d probably put them in dresses). Keanu Reeves (the actor), however, says he’s not sad and found it amusing that the sad photo of him became an Internet meme. The Sad Keanu doll was made using 3D printers and the features are a vast improvement over his “Matrix figurine.” You can purchase Sad Keanu online at Shapeways.
Kirsten Koza is the author of “Lost in Moscow: a Brat in the USSR” and drew pubic hair on her Barbies.
