APOCALYPSE IS INEVITABLE
Not that I believe the apocalypse is right around the corner or anything like that, but with zombie movies and television shows coming out of the kazoo, not to mention a glut of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic films being churned out over the decades (“28 Days Later,” “Children of Men,” “Deep Impact,” “Dr. Strangelove,” “Judge Dredd,” “I Am Legend,” “Mad Max,” “The Matrix,” “Oblivion,” “Resident Evil,” “The Road,” “Terminator” … you get the idea), it might be nice to take a look on the brighter side of things when it comes to the destruction of human society as we know it.
If it’s bound to happen (Hollywood and a bunch of survivalists in Montana seem to think so), we should stop wallowing around in sepia tones and cobalt blue and search for a little cheer in all of this future destruction, no matter how the end comes about (angry deities, giant meteorites, rampaging corpses). And so, without further ado, here are five perks of the coming apocalypse.
1. No More Taxes
Although American tax rates are some of the lowest in the industrialized world, we still complain about paying them all of the time. Once the zombies or population-decimating viruses strike, taxes could very well be a thing of the past … with one serious caveat. There will be a sweet spot when mere survival — and deciding if you’re going to partake in cannibalism or not — will be your main concerns (not taxes). But once the toughest survivors start to rebuild, you can bet your withered hide that they’ll start taxing the bejesus out of the doomsday riffraff they mange to gather up and keep under their radioactive, disease-infected thumbs.
2. Not Married Yet, No Problem
Men and women are getting married later and later in the developed world, yet still, pressure from family and peers remains. Everyone wants you to get hitched, or at least find a significant life partner you can bring with you to family events, showing everyone else that you’re as miserable … I mean as happy … as they are.
After the space rock hits or the computers take over, tying the knot will be the least of your concerns. The dating scene will devolve into someone with a few chestnuts willing to share those chestnuts with someone else over a small fire and a plastic cupful of only semi-tainted water.
3. Bloody Schadenfreude
Becoming a barbarian marauder enjoying bloody schadenfreude in the wastelands is what you really after, isn’t it? All those petty gripes you sought vengeance for in the past will pale in comparison to the biblical retribution you’ll unleash and witness in the wastelands of the society that was. There’s a reason why human beings enjoy bloodstained gladiator games and violent, high-speed car chases. We’re not nearly as nice as we pretend to be.
4. Badass Vehicles and Leather-Clad Fashion Week
With a new “Mad Max” film slated for release this year, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the killer fashion choices a post-apocalyptic planet could offer. Leather road gear (tough and long-lasting), plus badass vehicles cobbled together from the rides of the old world would make for an exceptionally heavy metal planet.
If you do sense doom descending upon us, best to raid a few garages for parts, stock up on some oxyacetylene torches and spend your last funds on leather pants, coats, gloves, head gear — and hell, why not even throw in some leather underwear (might chafe a bit). That way you’ll be ready for the paradigm shift, stylistically speaking, coming from the obliteration of New York fashion week … as well as New York itself.
5. A Better Body Image
No more fat shaming or criticizing folks for being too thin or having a few extra blemishes on their skin. Did you survive the apocalypse? Do you have a body that’s more or less intact? Hey, congratulations — you’re a supermodel in the new world!
At least one functional eye and still being able to claim three out of four limbs means you now number among the fabulous elite. You’re gorgeous, baby. And that glow I see coming off of your skin? Well, it might be from a radioactive plume that’s been hovering around of late, or it could be your inner beauty shining through or perhaps a really nasty sunburn (since most of the ozone layer is gone). Doesn’t matter. You look damn good. Kinda makes those beauty products and body shaping fads you were so into before seem a little silly. Live (in the putrid decay of a ravaged Earth) and learn.