Are you a royal watcher? Have you even wondered what it would be like to be a modern royal, gallivanting around the world? Private yachts, state dinners, shocking yet somehow staged topless photos of you and your playmates frolicking in the waves at some high-end Mediterranean resort, galas, movie premiers, wild parties, and best of all … this would actually be your day “job.”
Sure, you’d have to open up an orphanage here and there, or talk about the dangers of climate change at the United Nations, but other than that — and worrying about a wayward sibling killing you in order to jump the line of succession — you’d be free to enjoy pleasures the peons beneath you simply don’t have the time or money to indulge in. And with this fact in mind, here are five perks of being a modern monarch or a snooty royal.
1. Born Rich
If your royal family was lucky enough to make it into the current century, chances are you’re loaded. Which, in layman’s terms, means you don’t have to do real work, ever.
Sure, if you’re a British royal, like William or Harry, you’ll want to prove your mettle with some kind of badass military service, showing the rest of the world you’re just a normal bloke, like everyone else, serving your country and all of that. Just look past the armed escorts and the fact that your mere presence means your unit is now a high-value target for the enemy.
The lazy way to go about things, and minimize the risk of getting shot, would be to simply set up a few charities, check in on them once in a while, and then sit back and enjoy the good life.
2. Blood Rights
A modern royal really shouldn’t brag about how his or her blood is better than that of the common folk. That wouldn’t be politically correct or expedient. Even so, how many times have you met a liberally educated person whose face suddenly lights up when he or she tells you that way back in the 16th century his or her family was of royal lineage?
“Yes, my great, great, great (add 20 more greats) uncle was a lord of some castle in a country that no longer exists, and that I could hardly pronounce the name of if it did. Do you want to touch me now?”
Modern royals don’t have to go to such lengths to claim noble birth. All they have to do is touch themselves.
3. Dating Advantages
C’mon. This one is a no-brainer. You can be stone ugly, splitting your head open on every single branch of the ugly tree on your way down and still be smoking hot as far as the opposite sex is concerned, if you happen to be a royal. (I now have Lorde’s song “Royals” on auto repeat in my brain. Stupid word associations.)
“I’m the prince of a minor, obscure republic somewhere you’ve never heard of before. Want to join me on my private yacht?” wins over “I’ve got a Corvette in my Dad’s garage. Want to go for spin later?” every time. Princes and princesses have got the rest of us beat as far as killer pickup lines are concerned.
And if you happen to be the King of Swaziland, you don’t even have to head down to the local bar to meet girls. Thousands of topless women dance in front of him every year at the traditional Umhlanga reed dance, from which, if he so desires, he can choose and then add another wife to his already extensive wife collection.
4. Incredible Humble Bragging Rights
Would you rather talk about how you coach a bunch of snot-nosed kids for a local soccer team or else how you once gave the Heimlich maneuver to the Queen of England (who happens to be a distant cousin) at a dinner for a Saudi prince, and then watched a piece of chicken fly out of her mouth and across the room and hit a Dutch princess in the face, after which the room erupted into wild applause because you’d just saved her royal life? Enough said.
5. Free Time
I’m not suggesting members of royal families don’t have a lot to do. From Brunei to Sweden, folks with royal blood have heaps on their plate, like attending state events and serving as goodwill ambassadors for, and in some cases, even leading their nations. Even so, if people cook, clean, plan and generally pamper you in every way possible, you’re bound to have more free time than the average citizen.
Think about how much time you take up with buying groceries and doing laundry. Now subtract that. Having to work a certain number of hours per week in order to pay for food and rent? Subtract that, too. Arranging your own transportation? Subtract. Get the idea here?
Once you smile for the cameras, attend a few charity events and listen intently as someone explains how rough his or her life is, you can head off to the spa for the rest of the day before your personal chef prepares a wonderful meal and then someone picks you up and takes you out to the theater.
And best of all, as a modern royal, you no longer have to live in the age of the guillotine or the battle-axe. The price of the luxury often used to be your head. These days, at its worst, it’s just a bit of unsavory gossip in the tabloids.
Carl Pettit is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.