First, the disclaimer: There’s no way to ”turn” someone straight. Sexuality is not a choice, it just is, and no amount of persuasion from someone can change that in any way, shape or form. Anyway, the 10 women who could turn me straight are:
Angelina Jolie
Dressed as Maleficent, her cheeks jutting out in 3-D, Angelina would be virtually unstoppable — a sexy force of nature capable of seducing and devouring everything in her path. She’s so potently alluring, she probably still has Brad panting for her every night as if it were their first time. If anyone could grab me by the lapels, remove everything and then make me hetero, it’s her. In 3-D. And in the process, she’d no doubt tell me about the oppression of women in Bosnia.
Kim Kardashian
Another formidable woman who doesn’t take no for an answer, Kim is a living action heroine, and she doesn’t even need 3-D. She already is. With her pronounced features and invulnerable personality, I have a distinct feeling this creature could make me macho and command me to ride her for hours, just for the fun of it. I’m not sure why she’d want to do so, except to say she could, but in the world of reality TV, that’s reason enough.
Joan Rivers
First of all, Joan looks like she’s 25, so that’s always good. Secondly, she would not accept a bad sexual performance — just guessing here — so I’d be forced to dig deep inside myself and somehow deliver the goods, pleasing the old gal every step of the way. The challenge of it all would be wildly refreshing, and the secrets I’d unearth in the process would be invaluable. And the cigarette afterwards? Can’t wait!
Roseanne
Ditto for her. Roseanne is tough, takes no prisoners, accepts-no-excuses and yet a kindred spirit with good politics and a whole lot to love. Make me a man, Roseanne. Only a domestic goddess like you has the balls to do so.
Juliet Mills
Juliet is the onetime star of “Nanny and the Professor,” as well as daughter of Oscar-winner John and sister of former child star Hayley. In 1980, she famously bagged the 18-years-younger hottie Maxwell Caulfield as a husband, and I went crazy with jealousy and bitchiness. How could she have nabbed the most sizzlingly attractive man on earth — the one whose every naked appearance onstage caused tremors around the globe, setting hearts afire and creating permanent hard-ons like you hear about in side-effects commercials? What did she have that younger people (say, me) didn’t have? Well, it’s lasted, so whatever it is, Juliet’s still got it. And it’s so powerful that I just know she could aim it my way and make me do whatever she wants. Like be straight. I’d gladly do it just to be near Maxwell’s residue.
Jessica Alba
I have no opinion whatsoever of her work, but Jessica definitely smolders, with a hard-to-define appeal that’s deeply sexual and warmly inviting. She’s someone a gay guy probably couldn’t resist — after a LOT of poppers and the evacuation of men from the entire planet.
Scarlett Johansson
ScarJo also radiates sex appeal and seems like she’d be a randy good time in the flesh. She’s certainly got spunk (I like spunk), plus a healthy sense of humor and a serious sense of aggression. Put them all together and you’ve got: Hetero Mike (also known as Magic Mike).
Eva Longoria
Eva is a real beauty. The Desperate Housewife looks like one of the impossibly attractive, vaguely androgynous, yet somehow exotic bikini-clad people who used to be on travel agency brochures I’d look at growing up, hoping against hope to be attracted by the women, even for a second. I never was, but I could definitely fake it years later for someone this hot. Eva in a bathing suit, with just the right makeup and swervy hair, is conversion therapy at its finest.
Kerry Washington
Kerry is a stunner in person, plus she’s super smart and highly successful. Don’t you just hate her, LOL? There are so many cheap dates on this list that I wanted to include one who’d elevate the bunch with a heady encounter to titillate the intellect as well as the groin. The “Scandal” star could definitely use her wiles to help make me plunge into the other side of the rainbow and join the other team. Maybe.
Nicki Minaj
Watching the hip-hop diva put on all those crazy outfits would be as fun as watching her take them off. And the resulting love match would definitely be one for the history books — explosive, dirty and extremely worth writing a song about.
Whew! I’m wiped out from all that feverish heterosexualization. And now that I’m going to need to go gay again, it’s time to hook up with … Liza!
Michael Musto is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
