“50 Shades of Grey” has made it mainstream to fantasize about bondage, spanking and control, but there is more that goes into BDSM (bondage, discipline and sadomasochism) sex than whips and chains. It involves trust, respect and consent. People haven’t always felt comfortable discussing their kinks, but if the Internet has taught us one thing, it’s that everyone gets a little freaky behind closed doors.
You’ve read how to share your kink with your partner, so here’s how to have safe, consensual and gratifying BDSM sex without making any rookie mistakes.
Talk it Out
It may seem like a given, but you would be surprised how some people might skip this step. As you explore kinkier sex and power exchange, you want to make sure you’ve discussed what your “limits” are. Hard limits are things you absolutely won’t do. Soft limits are things that can be pushed. Regardless, these boundaries are important in establishing comfort and trust and should definitely be discussed before the handcuffs go on.
Avoid Superlatives
You will not do “anything,” and you aren’t into “everything.” Do you want to tongue-kiss a homeless guy or have sex with eggs that aren’t hardboiled? No! Then why say it? It may seem sexier to say you’ll do anything, but that is not the kind of paradigm you want to create. It behooves you and your partner to do a mental inventory of things you do and don’t want to do so you’re both on the same page.
Have a System to Start and Stop
People often joke about safe words. It may seem funny for someone to blurt out a random word during sex, but they are very important in communicating within a fantasy or play session. After all, if you’re saying “No” or “Stop” as part of a roleplay, then those words no longer mean the same thing. If you are nervous about a safe word or if your mouth will be otherwise engaged, you can try a hand gesture or physical response. For example, you can agree to tap your partner on the shoulder if anything goes too far.
Read more: So You Have a Fetish: Don’t Go From Zero to Fisting with a New Partner
Be Sober
This is a given. Sure, you may want to get over your nerves by getting a little drunk or high, but being inebriated in any way will rob you of the experience. It will also keep you from being aware of what’s going on and how far it is going. Besides, some in the BDSM community experience a natural high when they are being dominant or submissive. This head space is the general goal of play, so why not give it a shot?
Research
Before you embark on some fetish play, you should do your research. You should see what’s out there and if it’s your bag. Plus, there’s also some health concerns. For example, irresponsible bondage can result in circulation issues. There are correct ways to spank, tie someone up and even choke them. Uninformed playing can be harmful if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Start Slow
As I’ve said before, you can’t go from zero to fisting. You have to slowly work your way up to things you have fantasized about. Yes, a really intense scene that mimics something you’ve seen in a porn would be hot, but realistically, you have to be aware of you and your partner’s limitations. You won’t know how you will respond emotionally to the sensation, so definitely take that into account. Take some time to warm each other up and explore the world and see what you like. After all, some fantasies are meant to just be fantasies — whereas others are meant to be lived out to their fullest when you’re both ready.
Read more: 10 Tips for Staying Classy While Having Casual Sex
Speak Up
Even the meekest of submissives should be able to speak up for themselves if something is uncomfortable. If not, you’re not having emotionally healthy consensual sex. You should be able to say if something hurts or crosses one of your boundaries. Regardless of whatever role you play in the sex, it’s about consensual power exchange, so you should be able to have some sense of control before you willingly give it up.
There’s Still Intimacy
Whatever fantasy you have, there is still emotional intimacy. You’re exposing yourself, sometimes literally, and it can be a real release … emotionally. You should be prepared to potentially face feelings you may not expect. Aftercare is very important in any kind of kinky play. Be sure you and your partner can handle being together as you transition back into your normal lives. After all, what’s a random bout of weeping between friends?
Keep it Clean
Kinky sex is not a reason to not have safe sex. You should be sure you are using condoms or dental dams whenever fluid may be exchanged. Additionally, you should make sure any gear or toys are thoroughly cleaned. If you break any skin, you should be sure to clean it and treat it.
Have Fun
Sex should be fun. Let’s be honest, BDSM sex isn’t used for procreation, so both partners should be enjoying it. You shouldn’t be doing it out of obligation or just to please your partner. There’s enough room to cater your fantasies so its pleasurable for both partners. After all, there’s a ton of stuff out there, so there’s no reason you can make a scene that suits you both.
Christian Cintron is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
