10 Things You May Find Yourself Saying If You Date Vladimir Putin

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That’s right, ladies, one of the world’s most prominent and virile world leaders is actually single. If you’ve set your sights on snagging the eligible bachelor that is Russian President Vladimir Putin, here are some helpful and sure-to-become-commonplace phrases you’ll probably want to have translated into Russian and memorized first.

1. Excuse me, but your pet tiger wrangler looks terribly drunk. Are you sure we’re safe? Besides, isn’t one tiger in the bedroom enough?

2. I didn’t realize that a “very small token of my affection” meant Crimea. Of course, I actually had my heart set on something Switzerland-shaped, but never mind. It’s the thought that counts.

3. Oh, you’re ex-KGB? I swear I didn’t know that. No, it’s got nothing to do with the fact that I only say nice things about you via text, phone, e-mail and in all online forums while always signing off with #omnipotent. I just think you’re an awesome boyfriend, I swear.

4. Yes, “Let’s Learn Judo With Vladimir Putin” IS the perfect date night movie. Of course I want to watch it on an endless loop — you totally read my mind.

5. You want to show me “Stalin’s bunker?” Is that a euphemism or do you mean for reals?

6. This is Ivan, my official poison-detecting food taster. And no, the fact that we just had a lover’s quarrel doesn’t factor into anything — I just suddenly felt like being more prudent for no reason.

7. NO, ME DRUMMING MY FINGERNAILS ON THE TABLETOP IS NOT MORSE CODE. STOP DOING THE EX-KBG THING.

8. Is that a missile silo, 8,500 nuclear warheads, the formulas for 872 biological and/or chemical weapons and countless additional unregistered Weapons of Mass Destruction in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me, you big stud?

9. Requiring me to participate in an ongoing approval poll, with a focus-group population of one, on the subject of “How Great Of A Boyfriend Is Putin, Really?” is a really ingenious way to keep your finger on the pulse of this relationship. Yes, I promise I’m being totally honest with my responses.

10. Hey, tell me that funny story again about how the last girlfriend who disappointed you disappeared under mysterious circumstances in the dead of night? It never gets old.

Julia Diddy is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine. 

Give a voice to the voiceless!