By now we all know that “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is on the horizon. Yeah! Director J.J. Abrams is bringing his vision for the epic space saga to the big screen in 2015. And, of course, with a new helmsman and story to tell, we’re going to get lots of great new weapons, most notably (so far) being the cross-shaped lightsaber with energized cross guards.
Nothing in the “Star War” universe comes without controversy (at least to the geeks living inside of most of us), and this novel lightsaber design proves no exception. Luckily, for all of the lightsaber aficionados out there dreaming of Jedi armament, the new cross blade has found a mighty defense in the intellectual prowess of Stephen Colbert.
The feasibility and application of this imaginary weapon not withstanding, I’d like to take a look at 10 practical uses for a lightsaber here on planet Earth — if one could actually be built. (For a look at the physics behind the possibility of constructing a lightsaber in the real world, check out the video at the end of this article.)
1. Shave a Wookiee. If you don’t know any Wookiees, you could also shave a Lhasa Apso or an alpaca.
2. Shave your body. Be very careful if you go this route, regardless if you’re mowing down a bit of leg stubble or reaching around your shoulders in order to attack some of that foliage growing on your back.
3. Chopping wood. A bloody spot easier than swinging at logs and stumps with a heavy ax.
4. Carve a turkey. Whip out your lightsaber and slice that holiday bird up in a jiffy. Also convenient for shutting up relatives who might be overly critical of your basic carving technique.
5. General thievery. Really, c’mon, you must have thought about this one. Cut right through the doors at the bank, 7-Eleven or Fort Knox, and then abscond with your loot.
6. Intimidating coworkers. “No, I won’t file that report for you. Do it yourself!” Then chop your troublesome coworker’s desk in half with your lightsaber. Nettlesome conversation ended.
7. Build a secret lair. Want your very own Batcave? Yes, I’m mixing fictional stories here, but with a lightsaber, you could carve a secret layer out of a solid rock in no time. Also good for setting up a man cave that will put all other man caves to shame.
8. Exfoliation and skin peels. Only for the most adept wielders of lightsabers. You’ll only want to take the top layer off — otherwise you’ll be raw, red and in excruciating pain — and quite possibly dead.
9. Sculpture. Why use a hammer, chisel or chainsaw to carve your masterpiece when you can use a sustained beam of light instead? And if you don’t get first prize at the county fair, you can let everyone know how displeased you are by going on a “saber rage” and taking out all of the elaborately carved pumpkins — or if you’re a real ass, a few of the prize-winning hogs.
10. Smite your enemies. We’ve all got them. Go ahead, use your lightsaber for what it was intended for, and strike your enemies down. Depending on if they deserve it or not (Joe in accounting most certainly did), you’ll be setting the path for your journey to the dark side — or toward the light.
And as promised, with the help of science, how you might be able to build your own lightsaber one day:
So, what would you do with a lightsaber if you could got your hands on one?
Carl Pettit is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.