10 of the Animal Kingdom’s Craziest Penises

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Human penises come in all shapes and sizes, but thankfully none look like these 10 bizarre, horrifying and awe-inspiring penises from the animal kingdom, like this four-headed echidna penis. (neatorama.com photo)
Human penises come in all shapes and sizes, but thankfully none look like these 10 bizarre, horrifying and awe-inspiring penises from the animal kingdom, like this four-headed echidna penis. That’s right: Four-headed. (neatorama.com photo)

Cocks come in all shapes and sizes.

There are dicks with foreskin . There are bent and curved cocks. There are those unfortunate men who suffer from micropenis, and then there are men who have donkey schlongs. There are noodle dicks, and there are fat little chodes. But within the human race, the standard of deviation is relatively small. A dick is a dick is a dick. And for the most part, if you’ve seen one dick, you’ve seen them all.

However, in the bestial realm there are some truly bizarre, awe-inspiring and terrifying wangs. From whistling willies to detachable dongs and peckers of prodigious proportion, here are the Top 10 most amazing cocks of the animal kingdom.

10. Snakes & Lizards: Double Dicks

snakes hemipenes (reddit)
(Reddit photo)

According to the snake-themed site, , squamates (snakes and lizards) have two penises, collectively referred to as hemipenes. Oftentimes, the hemipenes are endowed with spines to lock into the cloaca, or reproductive tract, of the female.

Humans, rarely, can have two penises as well. It is a condition known as diphallia, and there is one diphalliac who has made quite the name for possessing two penises. , a man who goes by Double Dick Dude (NSFW) has two fully functioning 10-inch members. You can take a look at his two-headed-monster here in his Reddit Q&A. WARNING: 18+, NSFW.

9. Bean Weevil: The Horrifying Cock From Hell

(Wikipedia photo)

This next penis is straight out of your worst nightmare. The junk of this member of the beetle family is covered in hard, sharp spikes that tears up the insides of the female. According to Science Blogs, this process is known as “traumatic insemination.” After the sex occurs, females may never be able to mate again.

8. Felines: Spikey Schlong

(Wikipedia photo)

If you’ve ever seen — or heard — cats mating, it sounds like the female is being tortured. She lets out a piercing screech, and that is because her vagina is literally being stabbed. The feline penis is covered with 120 to 150 keratinized penile spines, , that prevent the female from escaping during the act of sex. If she struggles too much, the cat’s penis will rip the pussy’s little pussy apart.

Who knew male cats were such rapists?

7. Flatworms: Cock Fight

Flatworm Penis Fencing (National Geographic)
(National Geographic photo)

Flatworms are hermaphrodites, meaning that they have both male and female sex organs. When they begin to mate, as seen in the above photo, they battle for who is going to be the wear the pants … I mean, wear the penis.

According to National Geographic, this act is referred to as “penis-fencing.” Sometimes the battle can last up to an hour and leave the loser (who becomes the mother) with a few more holes than she started off with.

6. Argentine Lake Duck: One Hung Mother Ducker

Argentine Lake Duck Penis (K.McCracken)
(K. McCracken photo)

Most male birds don’t even have penises; they simply mate by rubbing their genital openings together. The Argentine lake duck, however, is a massive exception. reported that the duck’s dick could reach a colossal 17 inches long! That’s roughly the size of its entire body. Now imagine that on a human …

Also of note is the lake duck’s penis is also corkscrew-shaped, and the female has an inversely corkscrew-shaped vagina.

5. Barnacles: Real Big Boys

(New Scientist photo)

If you thought having a penis the length of your body was big, imagine having a penis 40 times the size of your body.

According to IFL Science, barnacles have the largest penises in the animal kingdom relative to body size. They developed these enormous wieners because they are sessile, or immobile, organisms. Being that they can’t move, they must stretch their members out to sea to try and fertilize some females.

4. Echidna: The Four-Headed-Wonder

(Prof. Gordon Grigg photo)

The echidna is an egg-laying mammal similar to the duck-billed platypus. He’s an adorable little guy that looks like a mix between a hedgehog and an anteater. But his penis will make you shudder — it is four-headed.

All four heads can ejaculate, , but only two can function at a time. This is because the female echidna has two vaginas. Scientists think the reason for the four heads is mating competition. If you’ve got four working sprinklers, the more likely your lawn will be fertilized.

3. Water Boatmen: Sing To Me, Baby

Water Boatman (Wikipedia)
(Wikipedia photo)

What girl doesn’t like to serenaded by the man she loves? Well, imagine if your man could belt “Nessun Dorma” out of his penis. That would be a sight to behold.

Now the water boatman’s penis isn’t singing opera, but its penis is so loud that it makes the tiny insect the loudest animal on Earth relative to its body size, the BBC reports. The water boatman creates this sound by rubbing its penis against its ribbed abdomen (similar to a cricket), in a process known as “stridulation.” Scientists have recorded the little water bug “singing” at up to 99.2 decibels, which is roughly the equivalent of listening to Pavarotti backed by a full orchestra from the front row.

2. Argonaut Octopus: Detachable Dingaling

(The Frisky photo)

Sometimes when my boyfriend gets up to go to work in the morning, I wish he could leave his penis at home with me. Well, there is one species of octopus that can do exactly that.

According to The Independent, the Argonaut male, which is five times smaller than the female, doesn’t need to make any contact with his lady to make a baby. He produces a ball of sperm in a tentacle called a hectocotylus, which then detaches itself from the octopus and swims off by itself to find a female.

1. Turtle: Creepy Mutant Penis Turtles

(Reddit photo)

Mostly everyone likes turtles. They are cute, slow and have a neat shell. But what lies beneath that shell is truly horrifying. Its penises are referred to as hydraulic intromittent male sexual organs, according to Scientific American. What that really means, though, is that its dick looks like a pair of smoke-ridden oscillating lungs, and on top of that they are huge!

What may be worse than the actual penis is how the turtles mate. The female has no emotion, but when the male is ramming her from behind, the sound that emanates from his mouth is surprisingly human-like. Depending on the size of the turtle, his moans range from high-pitched squeals to deep-throated groans.

Take a look for yourselves:

Katia Kleyman is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.

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